Some days, I feel as if I'm losing my impulse control. I see the entire world as a source of my anger and worthy of my retaliate. Smokers. People who do stupid shit and never get caught or suffer any consequences. The dude in his 90's who freaking drank booze every day for the last 70 years and is "healthy as a horse." Why do they deserve to come out of this world virtually unscathed. There is no fairness or rational explanation for it. And that's the source of my anger. Nothing makes sense except that everything is random. Or maybe predetermined.
I used to read a lot of books by Sylvia Browne. I still revisit the lessons I learned in them, the basic one being that we all choose our path before we return to Earth and we are here to do one of two things: learn or teach. Is my mother hear to learn something for herself by this or teach some hard lesson to the rest of us? I can't help but think maybe it's a 50/50 split. She has always been so fixated on her appearance, her weight, her clothes. She used to talk constantly about wanting a goddamn facelift. When the doctor mentioned chemo today, she barely mentioned the thought of losing her hair again. She has changed. Her priorities have shifted. Living is the priority. Clothes were just an excuse. She wants to live to see my nephew grow up. He's not yet three. That is a priority worth putting energy into.
If then, that's her lesson, what is mine?
TBD
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